Even with the best intentions sometimes we get a feeling, the feeling becomes thought, and the thought becomes a habit—an unproductive one that unfortunately goes on automatic pilot. Breaking a bad habit comes with the ability to overcome the fear of changing it by facing it and staring it down. We hold on to bad habits because they serve a purpose that gives us more comfort or satisfaction than the discomfort and concentrated effort it takes to get rid of it.
Bad habits give us more pleasure than pain, and it’s the reason we continue to hold on to them. It takes time and patience to break the pattern. For example, you may have developed the practice of not really listening to what your child says because you are too distracted or have developed selective listening. Unfortunately, this less obvious habit can cause a breakdown in communication.
There are three things you can do to create a more positive parenting habit. First, search inside yourself and become aware of “WHY” you developed it. Second, the “WHY” to change has to be big enough; otherwise, it will go right on the list with all the other goals never achieved. If the “WHY” isn’t big enough, the motivation to change won’t become a driving force. Third, you need to pay attention to “WHEN” the trigger hits. The trigger is the physical or emotional cue that lets you know you are about ready to repeat the habit.
Using the above example, the trigger might be that you hear your child’s voice. It will alert you to be vigilant to stop and shut everything else out, (if possible) make eye contact, and focus totally on what your child is saying. An old trick to help with that is to wear an elastic band on your wrist; and when you hear your child’s voice, snap the elastic. It will snap you right into alertness and a little pain! This old trick is an effective way distract you from the trigger that preceeds the behavior.
Lastly, decide on a positive behavior to take its place. Create a picture in your mind how the positive habit will build confidence, build better communication, and build a better relationship with your child.
Donna McGoff, M.S.
